Autophobia
by illbeonthemoon
Summary: When Matt dies, Mello doesn't know what to do anymore. He's depressed, lonely, and most of all, constantly angry. Then comes along another resident of Wammy's house, a little boy who reminds him so much of that red haired boy who died holding his hand.
1. The Goodbye

"Mello? Mello? Are you even listening?"

"No." I murmured.

Matt's voice snapped me out of my daze. I tried to stay conscious and keep my eyes on the dark road, but that was hard, considering the fact that I'd hardly gotten any sleep in the past couple of days. My eye lids were heavy and everything in front of me became a blurry haze again.

Something poked me in the shoulder. I growled.

"Mello, you need to stay awake. You're the one who wanted to drive in the first place." Matt said quietly.

"Well, excuse me, Matt. You're the one who dragged me out here in the middle of the fucking night, just to get some lame video game!" I yelled. I saw his face fall, even though he tried to hide it. I couldn't bring myself to feel just the least bit bad for what I said.

"It is not _lame_," he defended himself, not succeeding much. Matt turned to the window and stared out it.

I followed the road for awhile. No one seemed to be around. No car lights, no people, no houses even. It was twenty till midnight, and the oh so exciting game that Matt had been annoying me about for awhile now came out exactly at the stroke of midnight. We weren't allowed out of Wammy's after nine, but the look on Matt's face after I had told him that I wasn't going with him was just too much, even for me. So, I reluctantly got out of my warm, cozy bed, and we hot wired that shiny red convertible that I saw Matt eyeing the other day. It would get back a little after one, so there were no worries there.

Rain was falling in buckets from the sky. The top was up in the convertible, so now the rain just poured down the sides of the car.

It was quiet for awhile. I didn't mind that much, although if we didn't want to crash into a tree, then I'd need to stay conscious.

"Matt?" He jumped a little, but looked at me. There was no expression on his face. "Could you…you know, talk? I kinda need to stay awake."

He smiled, and I rubbed my eyes with my one free hand.

"Sure, Mello. Whatever you say." And then he happily proceeded to talk about something…I wasn't sure what, though. I could start to see some lights up ahead, about two or three miles. We were almost to town, at least.

The car came to a crawling halt when I stopped at a red light. I wondered idly why there was even a red light in the middle of nowhere, where there were obviously no people inhabiting the area.

"…and it's got these _amazing _graphics, not like the last one that came out. Those graphics sucked. The plot line is also supposed better too. I'm so excited, I can't stop bouncing up and down!" I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He actually was bouncing in his seat, looking like a five year old who was promised ice cream.

"Mello? Mello?"

Again, his voice snapped me out of another daze.

"What?" I said, my voice quite loud. The silence that followed made my ears ring.

"I was asking when we were going to get there." He said, trying not to laugh.

"Er, sorry, I kind of spaced out….We're almost there, so you can calm down now. And what's so funny?" I asked him, glaring. He bust out in a round of giggles.

"You didn't space out, you were _staring _at me!" He quieted down a bit, then looked at me strangely. What was going through that boy's head? Wait, on second though, maybe I didn't want to know…

"Was not," I muttered, and kept my eyes on the few cars that I began to surpass as we entered town.

After ten minutes of driving down endless streets, I knew we were lost. I haven't exactly been here a lot, but I had thought I knew my way around. Obviously not. Matt kind of looked annoyed that we hadn't arrived at his precious game store yet. No doubt people were already lined up in the store, waiting for the game to be released. It was ten till, and I could see Matt fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat. It bothered me to no end.

"Matt, could you _please _stop doing that?" It came out rather mean, but I guess I was kind of irritable from lack of sleep.

"Okay…" He stopped moving around, but now he was biting his nails.

"Matt!" I yelled, exasperated.

"What? What did I do now?!" He raised his voice, throwing his hands up.

"You're driving me insane! I'm so fucking tired, and maybe if you weren't here annoying the hell out of me, then I would finally get some peace!" I yelled. Dead silence. I saw Matt's face fall.

I turned another corner, and saw the game shop up ahead. I was right, there was a long line of people with their multicolored umbrellas, leading out the door and continuing onto the sidewalk. I mentally groaned. I looked sideways at Matt to see if he saw the store, but he had his head hung, staring at his shoes. I felt the corners of my lips turn down in a frown. Had what I said really hurt him that much?

I pressed the brake gently, stopping at another red light.

I turned my attention to him, and opened my mouth to say something, when I saw it. There was a car, whose tires were slipping over the rain coated road, only feet away from ours. It's destination was the passenger's side of our car, Matt's side. I frantically tried to stomp on the gas pedal, but the car refused to move. Uncontrollable fear pooled in my stomach. I reached a shaky hand out to Matt and whispered his name.

It all went by very fast. Time didn't slow down like it was supposed to in your final moments, like it was supposed to. It sped up, and your life never flashed before your eyes. That was all fine by me. I didn't really want to see everything I'd done, every mistake I ever made.

He had just enough time to tilt confusedly tilt his head, before I heard the inhuman screech of metal against metal, and everything went black.

* * *

I didn't know how long I had passed out, or if I had even passed out. All I knew was that there was much more pressure on my body than was normal, and that the car was positioned in a way that it shouldn't be. I could just barely open my eyes, and I was aware of a warm substance dripping down my forehead. Instead of sitting up like I had been before, I was lying on something, part of the wrecked car.

I could hear the echoes of the ambulance sirens around me, the screams and cries of the innocent bystanders, the sound of glass crunching. The one thing I couldn't hear though, was the one thing I wanted to hear the most in the world. Matt's voice.

"Matt?" I whispered pathetically, begging to hear the confirmation, that he was alive. I couldn't move.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity, but was only probably about a minute or so. There were now angry shouts of paramedics and the police trying to hush back the crowd. I didn't want to hear them. I didn't even want to be alive if Matt wasn't.

I waited, and waited, until I heard, "Yeah?" His voice broke and wasn't very loud. He sounded like he was in extreme pain. I guess I was lucky- my whole body was pretty much numb now, and the only thing I could feel was the blood that seemed to be everywhere.

"Are…are you okay?" I wanted to kick myself for saying something that stupid, but nothing else could come to my mind.

I could vaguely make out the shape of his crushed body, tangled in the heaps of shattered glass and disfigured metal. His eyes were clenched shut, and the blood streaked across his face was the exact same color as his hair.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Mello?" He asked. The pure pain in his voice made my heart ache.

"Yes?"

"I've really fucked up this time." People were digging through the scraps of the accident now, trying to find us.

"Naw, Matt, this is all on me." I tried to laugh, and failed.

"Mello?"

"Yeah, Matt?"

"Even if we get out of this…Hell, even if we don't, I just want you to know something. Ow…" He whimpered.

"Mello, I love you." He struggled with his words, out of pain or fear, I couldn't tell. His voice was almost lost in all the commotion.

Despite all that was going on right now, all that had happened, I smiled, wide and big. It was probably the biggest smile I've ever smiled in my whole life. It was ironic, really.

"Matt, you retard, I love you too." He chuckled weakly.

"I knew it." He sighed. "Well, I guess it's time to go."

"I guess so." I agreed. "So, I'll see you later?"

I laughed at the situation; it was no different than any other normal day, when we went our separate ways after classes.

"Wherever we go, I promise to see you later, Mello." He grinned at me, his eyes still closed.

I slowly worked the hand that was partially free out of it's cradle of glass and reached it out to touch Matt's forehead, making a deep gash in it on the way.

Matt smiled and I was happy. It didn't matter where we were, or how many sharp objects were impaling our bodies. I was happy, and Matt was happy, and fuck anyone who wanted to ruin that.

"Bye, Mello."

"Bye, Matt."

There was the grunting of men, and suddenly the door to the driver's side was removed. I heard someone scream, and it registered somewhere in my mind that I had been the one screaming. Streaks of blinding white pain shot through my vision, and suddenly all was gone.


	2. The Heart Monitor

I'm sorry if this sucks. I didn't get a chance to reread it.

* * *

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Will someone please shut that fucking thing up? The noise is really giving me a killer headache, and I'm trying to…sleep? Wait…

I inhaled, and the odd combination of a retirement home and cleaning supplies filled my nose. My regular clothes were replaced by a loose fitting cotton gown that didn't seem like they covered enough. The upper half of my body was slightly raised, propped up on pillows. Hospital. I was in a hospital.

I couldn't seem to open my eyes. The whole right side of me burned like hell, and I could tell it was bandaged up. My joints ached, and pain was radiating from practically every inch of my body. What happened to me? I couldn't remember, and the pounding eradicating from my head didn't help much.

I groaned. I tried to lift my arm, but spasms of pain shot up my arm. I didn't dare try to move after that. The room had been considerably quiet ever since I had regained consciousness five minutes ago, save for the distant chatter of nurses and other people. Three pairs of footsteps approached, and then there was a voice, one I didn't recognize.

"What do we do? It's been almost half an hour now, and if we don't get him out of here soon…" His voice trailed off. It was definitely a man, most likely an older one by the sound of it.

"Maybe we should wait until he wakes up." I knew that voice. Roger?

"I agree. By the looks of it, I wouldn't be surprised if he's conscious now, or partly, anyways." The tone of his voice was happier now.

"Maybe we should give him some space. The nurse will call us if he wakes up." Roger said. The other man must have agreed with him, because I heard their retreating footsteps. All was silent, if you didn't count the steady beeping of what I guessed was a heart monitor. At least I could count on my heart not failing on me. That was good.

The first thing I'd felt when I woke up was confusion. I didn't know where I was, but by putting a few simple things together, it was pretty obvious where I was. Now that I'd figured that out, something hit me.

Something was wrong, I could feel it in the air. Something was deeply wrong. The wrong sat patiently the very blackest corner of my heart, waiting for the memories to resurface. 'Don't worry, you'll remember soon enough,' it said calmly. 'You'll remember what you did to him, and then you'll want to join him.'

The heart monitor stopped beeping.

My eyes flew open, and suddenly, everything was clear again.

My thoughts refused to come out in logical sentences. I could only think single words, and the room started spinning. Now, the beeps were frantic, refusing to slow down at a reasonable pace.

Matt. Car. Love. Dark. Video game. Anger. Gone.

...Dead.

The nurse, who was supposed to be keeping watch over me, looked at me with panicked eyes and ran to go get help. My breathing was heavy, and I couldn't calm down no matter how hard I tried.

I survived. I was still here, still breathing, but where was Matt? Surely he would have survived as well...Wouldn't he?

A chill tickled my spine, and I realized that my right hand was oddly cold, considering the fact that the rest of me felt like it was on fire. I turned my head slowly to the right, and what I saw...Well, there are no words to describe it.

There was a hand, a unnaturally cold hand, in mine, fingers linked together. The bitter coldness spread through me like poison, until it reached my heart. The wrong laughed. 'I told you. Look what you did to him, your best friend.'

So, I did the only thing I could do. I screamed, and I screamed, and I kept on screaming when the nurse ran back in with the man from before and Roger. They tried to calm me down, but their words couldn't hide the fact that I'd _killed_ my best friend, the only person to ever show me requited love.

The memories flooded back into my mind, attacking my common sense. The strong desire to die instead of Matt clouded my mind. I swiveled my head, looking around the bleak room. There was the same concerned nurse leaning over me, looking clueless, Roger trying to talk to me and get my attention. To my left, there was a night stand with a pair of hospital socks and a glass of stagnant water on top of it. I gulped, pushing down the bile rising in my throat, and forced my head back to the right. If I ever wanted to be able to look at myself in a mirror again, I needed to see him.

My eyes made contact with the bed next to mine, and the heart monitor stopped beeping.

His hand was still in mine, as I was afraid to move it. His bed was pushed against mine, so there was no space in between them. Matt face was so...peaceful. There was no signs of pain, hurt, or even anger towards me left, just a little smile plastered on his lips. His skin was deeply pallid, a color that no one alive would have. That was it.

He was dead. There was nothing left for him.

All was quiet now. The monitor still gave off it's little annoying beeps, except now they were more steady, yet still a little jumpy. There were nurses gathered around the door, some with tears in their eyes. They had nothing to cry about. They weren't the ones who ended their best friend's life.

"What the hell are you looking at?" I growled, and they all scattered.

It didn't take long for me to make up my mind. I wasn't going to stay here. I sat up- with a lot of effort and pain- just to be gently pushed back down by the man who I'm guessing was the doctor.

"Where do you think you're going, young man?" He asked, sympathetic. I didn't need his pity.

"Getting the hell out of here. Now move, before I move you myself." I muttered. He didn't look convinced. To tell the truth, I don't think I had it in me to try to get up again.

"You're in no shape to go anywhere. And besides, did you know that if you leave here now, that they'll send you straight to the juvenile delinquent center for a very long time?" He raised an eyebrow, challenging me. I sighed angrily and closed my eyes.

"If I'm going to stay here, then you're going to have to tell me what happened." I waited.

He hesitated for a bit, probably trying to figure out what to tell me and what to leave out. "I'm Dr. Joesph, and I'll be your doctor while you stay here." He paused. "The police found you two shortly after you got in the accident in a stolen car. We were informed that they driver of the other car was driving while intoxicated. He...he died instantly. You and Matthew were rushed in here. It's been two days now since the crash." I could tell he wasn't finished. I knew what was coming next.

"You'll make a full recovery of course. Your injuries aren't that serious, and at the most, they should take only two to three weeks to heal. You're a very lucky boy." He smiled at me.

"You're not telling me what I need to know." I sighed again impatiently. I was dead tired, and I wanted to go back to sleep. I wished he'd just say it and get it over with.

"Er..." I waited a total of two seconds for him to speak before I got frustrated.

"Matt!" I yelled, exasperated. "Just tell me what happened to Matt!"

"He...Matthew was in a more serious condition than you were, since we were told that the car collided with the passenger's side of the car, the side that he was in. He was unconscious for the last two days as you were, but...about an hour ago, he came to his sense for a short amount of time. There was nothing more we could do for him at that point, since his lungs were severely crushed during the crash, and he had very severe wounds." He spoke slowly, gaging my reaction. I didn't yell, I didn't scream or throw a fit. Dr. Joesph took this as a good sign, and continued.

"You have to understand that in the condition, the things he says are hard to comprehend. He might have been delusional, with a fever as high as he had. We don't know. But before he died, I believe he said, 'Tell him not to miss me too much.' He also requested that we not remove him from his bed before you wake up."

Matt's words sent me spinning, and I repeated them in my head until they embedded themselves in my memory. I had to make myself concentrate on staying awake. It wasn't working so well.

"He died smiling, if that makes you feel any better." I didn't reply this time, and everyone left me alone. I ran my thumb across Matt's palm, stroking it.

When someone close to you died, you usually thought of the last thing you said to them. I attempted to recall the memories of that night three days ago, as much as I didn't want to.

He loved me. He died happy. Those, things, they made me smile, even though I felt like crying.

* * *

Gah, short, but you'll forgive me, right? (:

Review, please.


	3. Hide

**I'm sorry this took so long...I'm a lazy bastard, I know. :) I had to literally sit myself down and force myself to write, or else you guys wouldn't get another chapter for awhile. I changed the title...I don't know if I like it. Vote yes or no when you review. (Which you will :D) Also, the first chapter is changed. Drastically. Well, the end, the car crash...So if you have time, please go back and read it. It has more fluff, and is much better, so I would advise you read it. I would appreciate it. (:**

**(Note: The changes in the first chapter start after the line: 'I pressed the brake gently, stopping at another red light.') If you read it after the changes were made, that's okay. You don't have to go back and read it. :)**

* * *

When I woke up later that day, and he wasn't there anymore. Just an empty bed, mocking me.

As it turns out, I only had to stay in that god forsaken hospital for three days. Those days were pure agony, and I spent the whole time staring at whatever was on the outdated TV silently, and trying to choke down food.

At the start of each day, a nurse would give me a little card with meal choices for the rest of the day. Well, I read through the thing, and it was pretty much the same every day. Toast, eggs, hash browns. Soup, salad, juice, sandwich. Too mushy mashed potatoes, and imitation steak. Well, I decided that I didn't want to eat any of the processed crap that they were going to serve me, so I scribbled in big letters, 'CHOCOLATE' all over the card each and every time they handed me one.

I never got any. Go figure.

My stay in hell finally ended, and Roger came to pick me up. I could tell the the nurses that cared for me were glad that I was gone; I snickered when I thought of all the trouble I'd put them through, just to entertain myself. The drive back to Wammy's was quiet, save for the occasional question that Roger shot at me. I avoided answering them, because they, in some way or another, had to do with the crash or Matt.

The gates finally opened, and the second the car was parked I ran as fast as I could up to my room and shut the door. Closing my eyes, heavy with sleep, I plopped on my bed and sighed with content. I was home. Or as home as I would ever be.

I guess I had dozed off for a bit, because when I opened my eyes again, the room was pitch black, and I still had all my clothes on. The only light visible was coming from the digital clock on the night stand next to me. The obnoxious, glowing red numbers read '12:36'. I yawned, sitting up and stretching my arms. Stumbling around in the dark, I made my way to the light switch and flipped it on, when a low gurgle sounded from my stomach. Now that I thought about it, there was a bag of chips on the night stand...

Half an hour and a bag of chips later, I was sprawled out on my bed again, passed out.

* * *

I woke the next morning when a kid that I didn't recognize was choking out my name, trying to wake me.

"M-Mello? Mr. Roger s-says that you h-have to get up." His voice broke several times. I groaned and rolled over, facing the kid. Once he saw that my eyes were open and staring at him, he bolted for the door. Huh. I guess I scared the kids around here more than I thought...

I sat up and shrugged my shoulders slightly. Oh well, all the more attention that I don't have to deal with. Making sure I had at least a shirt and some pants on, I trudged down the Rodger's office, getting several strange looks from children passing by. I shrugged it off as me just looking funny, having just awoken. Surely news couldn't travel that fast, about the...accident. Or could it?

The door opened with a loud creaking noise. You could always tell where Roger was right away, if he was there at all, because he never moved from the same spot. The old wooden desk was perfectly centered in the middle of the wide room, and the old man was in his unending place behind said desk, reading a book. That was the thing with Roger. He must be a smart man, judging by the huge bookcase resting behind his seat, filled with what seemed was more than a thousand books. I rarely caught him doing something other than reading. That, or scolding kids for running up and down the hallways, or hanging a poor kid by his underwear on the flagpole. Getting back to the point, Roger was a very predictable man.

But not today. What did he want me for, so early in the morning? Couldn't be more than 7, at the latest.

"Hey, Roger." My voice sounded off, for some reason. He looked up from his book and gave me a smile.

"Oh, I see Conner did as I asked. You're probably wondering why he woke you, yes?"

I nodded sleepily, but the action came out as my head slumping down and not coming back up. "Mhmm..."

"You see, Mail's funeral is scheduled for today."

* * *

It was noon, and I was dressed in black from head to toe. Black suit, black shoes, and a black tie. I didn't even know _why_ I need the black tie, since it would just blend in with the suit anyways and no one would notice. I even had a black umbrella; The sky was darkening up more and more by the second, and the rain was pretty much inevitable.

Roger offered to drive me to the funeral home – he was leaving to get there early. I went along. The ride itself wasn't that long, but like the drive yesterday, it was awkward. I felt the urge to get out of the car as soon as possible.

So, here I was, standing in front of what was going to be Matt's grave. The giant coffin-sized hole had already been dug, and at the head stood the grave stone.

_Mail "Matt" Jeevas_

_February 2nd, 1990 – December 12th, 2005_

_'A great friend. You will be remembered.'_

Roger had gone inside to make some last minute arrangements, or something like that. I hadn't been paying much attention. All I could seem to do was stare at the hollow space in the cold ground. Soon enough, that space would be filled with a box, and in that coffin would be my best friend. I couldn't help but be angry that they were going to put him in the ground. He deserved better than to rot in a hole. Couldn't they do anything more...fitting?

Somehow, I found myself slumped over on the ground, cross legged, staring at the grass. I couldn't even remember how I got there, or when even. The grass was shiny, but it sure as hell wasn't interesting. But I couldn't look away, no matter how hard I tried. That gravestone just made things more final than I wanted them to be. It crushed the vain hopes I had that maybe, just maybe he might sneak up behind me and give me a huge hug and smile at me and ask, "Mello, why are you so sad?"

He was just the person I needed to fix everything right now, and he was gone.

Just my fucking luck.

I couldn't even bring myself to sigh or blink or anything. I knew I was probably being melodramatic, as some people would say, but who really cared anyways? This was all my fault, and I could hate myself if I wanted to.

There was a gentle tap on my shoulder. I jumped, startled by the contact. I turned around to see Roger smiling down at me. "We're going to start pretty soon, Mello." Didn't they start these things when _people_ were here? Wait...now that I looked around, I saw that there _were_ people here, just not many. I should've guessed that it wouldn't be too crowded. After all, Matt was an orphan, and didn't know anyone out of Wammy's. Of course many people wouldn't be here.

There was a crowd of kids I recognized from the orphanage. Well, some of them, anyways. They didn't separate like normal people, they just huddled together and looked devastated like they all cared about Matt. They didn't care at all. Matt had never been one to socialize. Some of the girls were crying, with a matching boy to hold their hand. I hated them.

As I looked around more, I noticed that Roger had back off from me, standing next to Watari, who I had only met once in my whole life. I saw Near. Why the _hell_ was Near here? If there was any person in the world who I could count on to not show up, it was Near. Me and Matt both, we made it pretty obvious that we hated Near. I was pretty sure he hated us back, but Near never showed any emotion. I couldn't be sure, but I hated him anyways.

When I noticed Near standing not ten feet away from me, twirling his pale hair, we made eye contact. I stared at him, and he stared straight back at me on the ground in that blank stare of his. It wasn't a mad stare, or a sad one. It lacked any emotion, and I wondered why he'd even bother coming here today.

A growling noise emitted from my throat, and he looked away slowly.

My vision went a little more to the right, and I was equally as shocked to see a man with messy, jet black hair, a baggy white t-shirt and jeans on.

L.

I was so surprised that I couldn't do anything but stare. If Matt were hear right now, he'd be jumping up and down because L _himself_ had come here because of him. He'd be so happy. L caught me staring, and just like Near, he kept the contact. And then, I saw a small smile twitch at his lips. I couldn't believe it. L, who I've never actually been acquainted with, was attending my best friend's funeral and _smiling_ at me. I couldn't do anything but gape.

It was then that I noticed that I was the only person sitting, and that every single person was staring at me. I felt my cheeks heat up and I went back to staring at the ground.

It registered somewhere in my head that I was cold. I hadn't thought to bring a jacket or anything. It was just my luck that seconds after that thought went through my mind, I felt heavy rain drops on my head. The rain got harder and harder and I heard the squeals of girls who were afraid of getting wet.

Another five minutes passed. The rain hadn't shown any sign on letting up. By now, my nice clothes were soaked through, my hair wet. I didn't bother to get the umbrella that was discarded beside me. I didn't care. I wondered what we were waiting for.

The priest, I think, cleared his throat. All the attention moved to him. He smiled kindly, folded his hands together, then began.

"Dear friends, today we remember the loss of a kind young man."

I drowned out the rest. I couldn't bring myself to care enough what he had to say. I continued to stare at the drenched grass. I couldn't make myself look up.

I sank lower and lower into the endless loneliness I felt, until a new voice reached my ears. My eyes curiously gazed up, and saw L in the priest's place. Of course, none of the other orphans knew who he was, except for me and Near. We were the only ones allowed to know. They looked bored now. Fury built up in me. Those bastards.

"I never knew Mail personally. I knew who he was, of course. I know enough about him to know that he was one of a kind, a good, gentle person. I regret not knowing him. He will be missed severely." L's speech was short, but it meant a lot to me. It would overjoy Matt, make him happy to no end. It made me smile, the first smile I'd smiled in days.

L smiled again at me as he wobbled back to his spot. This time, I grinned back.

After that, Roger came to me and whispered in my ear, "Mello, would you like to say something?"

I shook my head. I couldn't. No words came to me, and I was sure if I got up there and spoke, I would cry.

I couldn't look, nor could I get up and move when four men – one at each corner – carried a coffin, and laid it in the giant hole. It tore at me, and I resisted the tears the threatened to spill over my eyes. I resisted the urge to scream, to run away. Matt was in that coffin. No, it wasn't Matt. He was wherever everyone went when they died. I really hoped that it was better there than it was here, that he was happy. It still hurt when I looked up slightly and caught an eyeful of the men lowering it into the ground. I couldn't help but think, 'Matt's in there! Get him out, idiot, he'll suffocate!'

I hated myself. It was all my fault. Matt would be here still if I weren't so _stupid_, if I hadn't messed up.

The very second the coffin was covered in dirt, I ran. I pushed my legs as fast as they went, not caring who saw me. My name was yelled somewhere behind me, but I didn't stop. Everyone's eyes were on me as I passed them. I panted and I ran, but I didn't stop until I spotted Roger's black car in the parking lot. Relief flooded through me, and I tugged on the door handle. It didn't open.

I felt numb. I felt my body slump against the side up the car. I felt myself slide down, onto the ground once more. I felt warm tears streaming down my face. I felt my legs press against my chest. I felt _lost_.

I was aware of someone lifting me into the car. I didn't protest, I just laid across the back seat and stared straight ahead. I wasn't even sure of what I was staring at, because the tears blurred my vision so much.

The car halted to a stop, and I don't know how, but I got up without a word and walked back to my room. Just like yesterday, I got some weird stares. I didn't care. I didn't care about anything in the world anymore, not even myself. I trudged down the hall with my tear stained face.

Walking in the door to my room, I turned off the light and flopped on my bed. I cried and I cried and I cried. Matt was gone, and he was never ever coming back.

I was lost, and I didn't know where I could find myself. But that was okay – I didn't want to find me. I was the last person I wanted to see.

* * *

**I'm sorry this is so sad. And short. And crappy. Or if it has spelling errors, I haven't got a chance to re read it. It's 5:30 in the morning, my eyes are _killing_ me, and I'm so tired, but I updated, and I'm proud. :D I had to tell myself that I couldn't go to bed until I finished this, cause I'm such a procrastinator.**

**Note: I have never been to a real funeral/wake before, so I have no idea what goes on there. But I tried my best, and I would appreciate it if someone told me if I did something wrong so I could fix it. Thanks.**

**Well, I'm going to bed, so it would make very happy to see tons of reviews when I wake up. :)**


	4. In the Dark

This chapter's a bit sad and over dramatic. Haha, I love over dramaticness. (I thought I'd make Mello an angsty teenager. :D)

Enjoy and review!

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The rest of that night was a blur. The tears ran out sometime after the glowing digital red numbers read midnight, and I could only remember a few stray thoughts wandering in my mind the whole night. This was the first time I had cried since I was little, since I saw my parents die. Not one single time had I ever shed tears for any reason. There was no cause to.

They wouldn't stop. They mercilessly kept coming and coming until I found myself staring into the darkness blankly, curled up on my side. The wintry, bitter cold nipped at my skin, but I didn't care. I deserved it. I deserved whatever the hell came at me.

My parents were dead, I had no home, and my best friend was killed in a car crash. _Everything I loved was gone_, I realized. And if it wasn't gone now, it will be gone later, without a doubt. It will be gone, it will cease to exist. It was the never ending cycle of us humans. We were born, we live, we die. Everyone goes through it, and no one can escape it, no matter how hard they try to change things otherwise. Every living thing goes through that cycle, whether they like it or not.

The end for him should not have been the end. He was much too young, had way too little memories and experiences. He should have grown up, gotten out of her, gone through college, married some nice girl, then had kids. Tiny red-headed kids, bopping through his secluded house in a forest, the way he would've wanted it. He should have eventually been an old man- a wrinkly, delusional old man, who had a crackly voice because he smoked too much, an old man who watched too much TV and played too many video games no matter how old he was. But no, because of me that would never happen. I cut off his future, robbed him of the rest of his life. It was my fault. I deserved to suffer, so I took it silently.

_You're such a wimp_, some little voice in my head laughed. _Get up, loser. _Maybe I was schizophrenic. I guess that wouldn't be too bad- the voices could keep me company. I smiled a weak smile. The voice was right, anyways.

And so I stumbled up, sitting down at the metal chair at my desk. I shivered, hugging my legs to my chest. The blinding darkness was somehow a comfort to me. It hid everything I was, everything I didn't want to be, everything I didn't want people to see. If someone were to burst in my room at this ungodly hour, they wouldn't see anything but darkness. They'd only hear sniffling, muffled by my hands. They'd hear to quieted sobs of someone who was deeply sorry, but knew that that wasn't good enough. Had the lights been turned on, the person might see a murderer, or maybe someone not deserving of being alive. They might be disgusted, and refuse to look anymore. I wouldn't mind. I deserved it.

I found myself with my head rested against my legs, eyes half open, staring at the pallid carpet. The rhythm of the rain hitting the roof came in time with my heart, pounding as if it wanted to explode. I listened to it. It was a sad sound.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

I opened my eyes to a pale hospital room. My eyes lit up as I realized where I was, and I sighed with relief. It was all just a dream. A bizarre, horrible nightmare. The crash had happened, and I was back in the hospital, of course. I was probably on some funny drugs for the pain, and that was what caused me to dream the whole thing. Of course. It was the only explanation. I grinned widely.

That meant Matt was here too! I couldn't wait to tell him. I could still feel his left hand clutching my right, his warmth spreading to my cold skin. I laughed at how stupid I was. I had fully believed that my dream was reality, that I had killed Matt. But that didn't even matter now, I was overly elated that we were both alive.

"Matt," I laughed again, turning my head to the right. "You'll never believe the crazy dream I ha-"

Absolute silence. No beeping, no breathing, no words.

His face was the image of pure terror. It was etched on every feature of his face, his eyes wide with panic. My breath hitched in my throat, my mind blank.

"Matt, Matt, what's wrong?! We're fine now, it's over!" I squeezed his hand. The terrified mask was still plastered on his face. My heart monitor was beeping erratically, unlike Matt's, whose was not beeping at all.

"Run," He whispered, staring past my head. I looked behind me, there was nothing there.

"You're fine! It's going to be okay," I cried, hugging him to me. His head rested on my shoulder and I could not hear or feel him breathing.

"Run," he whispered in my ear. "Mello, run while you still can." I held on tight, for I knew what was coming now, what was inescapable. His whole body turned deathly cold, sending stabs of pain throughout me. I still did not let go.

"I'm so sorry," he breathed, and then he was gone.

"Mello! Mello, cmon, wake up!" Something, no, _someone_ was shaking me. My eyes flew open and I was no longer on the chair, but on the cold ground shivering. There was a kid, maybe my age, hovering over me. Morning light poured through my rain streaked window, illuminating my room. I recognized him as my neighbor, the kid that lived in the room next to mine. I couldn't remember his name.

"Hey, man, stop screaming," he said, annoyed. _Screaming...? _I could hear it, and it sounded like that person was deeply in pain.

"Oh." I closed my mouth, and the screaming ceased.

What's-his-face left, scoffing on his way out. I glanced over toward the nightstand. It was a little after noon now. Getting to my feet, I realized that I didn't know what day it was. Sunday? Monday? Friday? Dates didn't even seem important.

Pulling on some clothes and smoothing my hair to make look like it wasn't a haystack, I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door. The first person I saw was a girl with pale blond hair that came down to her chin in the longest parts, which was shorter than mine. She looked as if she could be about fourteen, maybe fifteen. She looked nice enough, asking her should be simple.

"Um, hello?" I tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around to face me, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"Can you tell me what day it is?" I felt a bit stupid.

"It's...Wednesday." She smiled. Great. My first class, which was Algebra, started in about ten minutes. Luckily, the books I needed were in my backpack; all I needed to do was get to the other side of the building. Shouldn't be a problem. Another girl, this time with long, curly brown hair ran up next to her and tugged on her arm. Her eyes were wide and curious.

"Ooh, isn't that the boy, Katie?" She pointed at me. I felt blood flow to my cheeks, turning them embarrassingly warm.

"Er, I've gotta go, so-"

The girl, Katie, eyed me for a second then let out a little gasp. She and the brunette exchanged a meaningful look, which I did not understand. Girls were so hard to figure out sometimes.

"So that _is_ him! Isn't your name is Mello?" The brunette girl beamed.

"Emily!" Katie hissed at her, nudging her in the side with her elbow. "Don't ask him about _that_. It's none of your business."

Oh. _That_. Of course, no one was interested in anything else about me except _that_. Obviously.

"Uh, yeah, it is," I muttered. _Gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here. Fast._

"I'm sorry, we'll just be going now," Katie smiled apologetically, attempting to pull Emily away with her.

"'S okay," I said sleepily. I didn't feel like getting in a fight with anyone at the moment. "But I've really gotta go." Picking up my overweight backpack and heaving it onto my back, I turned to walk in the opposite direction.

"Wait!" Emily called. I heard Katie sigh dramatically somewhere behind her. "You were in that car crash the other day, right? The one with Matt? You're obviously fine, but is he okay? I haven't seen him around here."

I turned slightly, only just enough needed to face her. "No, he's not. He's not okay." I gritted my teeth and walked away. The tardy bell rang, and everything was silent.

* * *

"Oh, Mello, so nice of you to join us. Please, if you'd so kindly explain to the class where you've been?" Ms. Solomon said in an overly sarcastic tone. I hated her. She thought she was so fucking smart, even though I ended up correcting her half the time. But sometimes I just kept my remarks in my head, despite my temper- it might affect my grade, and I didn't want that. But she hated me just as much as I hated her. It was a mutual kind of thing.

I sat down and mumbled something.

"What was that? Please, speak louder, so I can hear you."

"I don't know." She really pissed me off.

"Coming to class almost twenty minutes late is unacceptable, and it interrupts my class. You don't have any excuse?" Her voice sounded as if someone was constantly holding her nose. I hated her with a passion.

I didn't answer. I sat there, staring down at the abused desk, feeling the weight of stares of everyone around me.

"Let this be a lesson to you all. Mr. Mello here has skipped my class for the last three days, and now he decides to show up late-"

"Shut up!" I jerked out of my seat, the chair screeching on the floor. Silence rang in my ears. "Just shut up! I guess you haven't _heard_, but it seems like everyone else around here has!" Ms. Solomon's mouth hung in a little O, stunned silent. "Bitch," I muttered. She probably heard, but I didn't care.

And that was my cue to get the hell out of there.

_I could switch_, I mused on my way back to my room. My grades were the second best, surely Roger would let me switch Algebra teachers. I could tell him that I was having a personal conflict with the teacher. That was just the nice way of saying that I hated her guts, right?

I knocked twice on the large, wooden door, then stepped in. As usual Roger was seated at his chair, a book in hand.

"Roger, I need to talk to you."

He peered out at me from under his glasses and smiled. It was the kind of smile that truly good people had- the kind you couldn't mistrust, no matter how hard you wanted to. I didn't have that kind of smile.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I was wondering if I could switch my Algebra teachers."

"Hm..." He tilted his head slightly. "Why would you want that? You have Ms. Solomon, correct?"

"Yes. I have a "personal conflict" with her." I made air quotes with my fingers. It made my lips curl up in a smile, even though I was supposed to be mad right now.

"A personal conflict, eh? That does create a problem. Hmmm." Roger opened a drawer, sifted through a bunch of papers, and placed a single manila folder on his desk. Opening it, he read through its contents for a moment, then looked up at me again.

"It seems the other Algebra teacher, Mr. Fieldstone. He's a good teacher, even if he is a bit young. You'll like him, Mello." Roger smiled his kind person smile again. "I'll make arrangements with both your old and new teacher. You can start going to his class tomorrow. Was there anything else you needed?"

"Nah, I think that's it. Thank you." I attempted to smile and failed completely.

"Oh! Since you lack a roommate, I will be assigning you one shortly. Expect one by Friday at the most." Roommate? But the last roommate I had... "Mello, are you alright?"

"Y-yeah, peachy..." _Be better if the room held still..._

I didn't _want _a roommate. I thought now that Matt...wasn't here, that I would just get my own room. Didn't matter who the hell it was, I didn't want them in my room.

"Good. You'll need to clean out Matt's things. I don't particularly care where they go- you may keep anything you want, and the rest you can throw or give to charity. There are no relatives to give his belongings to."

"Okay. Can I leave now?" I was exhausted. Some sleep without horrifying dreams would certainly help.

"Yes, I'm done. You look very tired; I'll allow you just this one day off of school, if you want it. But no more after that, you already have a lot of make up work to catch up on." He gave me a serious look. I already knew I was behind.

"Thank you again, sir." I half smiled and trudged back up to my room. My room that wouldn't be just _my_ room for much longer.

* * *

My side of the room had always been neat. There was never ever a single thing out of place- that was just how I liked things. Matt always had said that I had cleaning OCD, and I would laugh and tell him to shut up. Books were stacked neatly against the wall on my desk, bed made, clothes folded tidily. When I walked in the door, I noticed that blankets were tossed around from the night before. As much as I tried to ignore them, it bugged me to no end. I had to fix it.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I did have OCD.

On the other hand, Matt's side was absolutely _horrible_. When he woke up late in the morning and was panicking, he'd throw everything he owned around, looking for something that he was so obviously not going to find. After I nagged him all day to clean it up, he promised that he'd clean it up later. Always later, but this time there was no later.

His bed was still unmade from the last time he'd been here- that night probably a week ago that we went to get that stupid pointless video game. Books and papers were scattered across him desk. The carpet, lined with various clothes, was not even visible. I couldn't even tell what color it was.

I grinned. Same old Matt.

Grabbing an unfinished chocolate bar from my nightstand, I got to work.

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Five pages. You guys deserve so much better. :( I'm so sorry, school is taking up all my time, plus I'm still a lazy bastard. So, give me two weeks for a new update, or you guys can PM me angry mail. Just not too much, kay? :D Reviews make me full of joy and happiness! (They also make me want to write faster.)


	5. Seek

I'm sorry, I'm a horrible writer. -bangs head against wall- I am seriously the worst updater ever, I said I'd put a new chapter up in two weeks, yet I end up posting something a month and a half later. ):

One word: reviews! (:

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An hour later, twelve boxes were stuffed in my closet, stacked on top of each other and crammed in to fit. Like hell I was giving anything to charity. I was a selfish person; I could not give away anything, even if I had wanted to.

I slept.

It felt good to sleep a dreamless sleep, to not have to hide from the horrific creations hidden in a deep corner of my mind. It was a huge relief to me, a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders, if only for a few hours. There was no homework or studying to be done - despite the fact that I had skipped classes for the past week. I would catch up with that later today, even if it did go against my nature to purposely lower my grades.

I awoke to the moronic buzzing of my alarm clock. Grunting, my hand searched for the source of the irritating noise and failed. I reluctantly opened my eyes and squinted at the clock. It read 7:15 A.M., which meant that I had only half an hour to get ready and make it to class on time. Piece of cake.

Twenty nine minutes later, I pushed the door open to my first class of the day, History, panting. The bell sounded just then and I hurried to my seat at the very back of the room. Some freaking piece of cake.

When I had finally settled into my place and let out the breath I'd been holding since I'd walked to my seat, it came to my attention that several kids were looking my way, some curious, some slightly angry. It really bothered me when people stared, so I just rested my head on the stack of books on top of my desk. Closing my eyes, I just barely listened to the droning of the teacher. His lecture was on Alexander the Great, his great army, his vast empire. I already knew much of what he was teaching, so I didn't feel the need to listen too hard.

"And we will most likely never know the exact cause of his death. It is rumored that he was assassinated, that his sudden illness wasn't just coincidental. Alexander died without naming an heir to his-"

The deafening slap of metal against wood made me almost jump out of my skin. Really, was that really necessary? I voiced that thought out loud. There were low chuckles from the students.

"Yes, it _was _necessary. There is absolutely _no _sleeping in my class. You will keep yourself awake unless you wish to repeat this class next year. Now then." He turned around, meter stick in hand, and continued babbling on about the Ancient Greek civilizations.

Huh. I didn't even notice that I had fallen asleep. I sat up and feigned attention to the teacher whose name I could not remember the rest of the class to keep him satisfied.

Everyone shuffled out of the classroom as the bell rang. I slung my lightweight backpack over my shoulder and headed for the exit.

"Mello, may I speak with you for a moment?"

I clenched my teeth and turned around. Dammit, so close.

"Yes?" I forced my features smooth so I wouldn't appear mad. I would not let him get to me; I knew there was no chance that Roger would switch my teacher this time if I let go of my temper again.

He looked me straight in the eye. I was surprised to see plain regret and sorrow on his face.

"I know that Matt was your friend, and I am deeply sorry for your loss." He frowned. "And I understand why you might sleep in class, but I need you to pay attention more, understand me?" His tone was not exactly rough, but it wasn't very delicate either.

"Yes, I do."

"It isn't like you to sleep in class Mello, you're usually a very good student."

"I know, sir," I muttered.

"So long as you know," he mused. "That's all, you may go now."

With that, I went back to my room to drop off my books.

'_Room C34, Mr. Fieldstone,_' The tiny yellow post-it note that Roger had given me yesterday said.

I learned that what Roger said was true - this guy was a bit young. He taught fairly well, even though he couldn't have been more than twenty three or twenty four. Every single girl stared up at him dreamily, but he just went on talking like he didn't even realize that twelve pairs of eyes were boring lustfully into the back of his head. He had to have noticed, right? I guess he was kind of handsome, but I didn't really care all that much. Either way, he was much better than that other bitch of a math teacher.

I had one more class to go to, Physics, seeing that Christmas was two weeks away and Winter Break started today. It didn't matter to me, I would probably spend the first few days of my vacation catching up on my schoolwork.

Physics past by fairly fast. The lesson was simple, even though most of the kids had no idea what the teacher was talking about.

Later, I found myself holed up in my room again.

_I'm becoming a bit of a hermit_, I thought. And I almost, _almost _smiled.

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Ehh, only three and a half pages. But better than nothing, right? I didn't get to introduce my adorable little character this chapter, but he will DEFINITELY come in next chapter at the very beginning. This was more of a filler, due to lack of time.

Two more chapters before Christmas/New Years. :D

I'm freaking excited, aren't you guys? Review!


	6. The Begining

I was sick. Actually, I still don't feel very well.

So you guys get this chapter before the year ends, one more before I go back to school. (Which is January 6th). I hope you all had a very good Christmas / Hanukah / Kwanza / Whatever December holiday you might celebrate, and a happy new year! (:

I hope you guys like it, and please review!

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I sighed as I looked at the stack of homework that met my eye level when I was sitting at my desk. It wasn't that is would be difficult to complete it all, it would just be very time consuming. Not that I had anything to do today, I didn't. My social life had completely gone down the drain since, well…I didn't want to think about that now.

I decided that I would do my math homework first- there wasn't that much and the lesson was simple. It took me all of fifteen minutes, and then I moved on to history. Yawning, I began to fill in the blanks on the ridiculously easy worksheet. This was boring me. Sometimes I wished that someone out there could give me a challenge, but especially at this school, that wouldn't happen. I just wanted to see how far I could go…The pencil scribbled across the sheet effortlessly, getting slower and slower until…

I slumped down on my desk and closed my eyes.

Three knocks sounded on the door in what seemed like seconds later. Startled, I jumped up from my desk chair and rubbed my right cheek, which was red from sleeping on it. Whoever was at the door knocked again impatiently. I stumbled up and across the room.

I immediately noticed three things. One, Roger stood tall and smiling as usual. Two, he carried two boxes stacked upon each other, marked in big letters with a name I was unfamiliar with. My eyes gravitated two feet downwards.

Three, there was a little boy standing quietly next to Roger, clinging to his pants, his eyes childishly wide.

_So, this must be my roommate_, I thought faintly. _Matt's replacement. _I quickly pushed the thought away. It hurt to think about it like that.

My heart had time to beat three times before Roger cleared his throat and asked, "Well, may we come in?"

I snapped out of my trance. "Oh, of course," I stepped out of the way. Roger set the twin boxes down on Matt's bare bed. The boy followed him, like a little puppy. I felt dizzy and cold, like I might just fall onto the floor and stay there.

"Mello, this is Noah. You two will be roommates from now on. I apologize for the age difference, but there seems to be a lack of teenage boys around here," Roger smiled. I knew he meant well, but my fist clenched when I heard the last part. _Lack of teenage boys. _Yeah, one of them _died_. When he saw my reaction, Roger frowned a bit then continued. "Um…I'm sure you two will get along just fine. If you need anything, you know where to find me." He left.

The kid, Noah, couldn't have been more than five feet tall. By his appearance, my guess was that he was somewhere around six, no more than eight. His auburn hair was cut just above his eyes, sticking out in tufts at the ends. His eyes bore into mine, light green and curious. There was something familiar in those eyes…

The heavy silence was killing me. My expression was hard and I was sure that I was scaring him. Taking a deep breath, I smoothed out my features and tried to muster up a smile.

"Hey there, Noah, are you hungry?" I stole a quick glance at the clock; dinner was in ten minutes and I sure as hell was hungry. Homework could wait a little bit longer.

"Yeah," He said in a tiny voice that was surprisingly unafraid. Here at Wammy's, most of the children were frightened of me. Rumors floated around, nearly all of them absurd, yet everyone believed them. I was used to only a few people being comfortable around me. But for this one child to be so relaxed with me already caught me off guard.

"Dinner is soon, do you want to go get some with me?" I offered. I was determined to be nice to him; whether it was for my sake or his, I didn't know. I would give him no reason to be afraid.

"Sure," He grinned at me, sporting a missing front tooth.

We walked down to the main hall, which was full with people already. _It must be something good for so many people to be here_, I mused. It certainly smelled appetizing. The aroma made my stomach growl.

After waiting in the agonizingly long line, Noah and I picked a spot back towards the corner of the room where no one was sitting. The plastic food tray contained a slab of steak drenched in gravy, mashed potatoes, a juice box, and some corn. I thought that was a bit odd, they didn't usually serve much meat because it got too expensive to feed everyone. Might as well enjoy it. Noah dug straight into his food as soon as he sat down, practically shoveling it into his mouth. I laughed at the sight.

"Slow down there kid, you'll choke," I told him. Noah looked up just long enough to shoot me a smile and shove more food down his throat. I ate slowly, watching him spoon the last of it into his mouth. It _was _good, to my surprise.

"So kid," I started, trying to make small talk, "how old are you?"

"I'm seven. How old are _you_?" He questioned.

"Fifteen, sixteen in another month. So that makes you in…second grade, am I right?" The room was buzzing with conversation; I raised my voice a notch.

"Yep," he beamed proudly. "But you're kind of old, Mello." Noah giggled.

"Hey, I'm not that old," I complained. Stupid kid, I wasn't old…was I?

"Whatever you say," He sang. I stuck my tongue out at him. That's what elementary kids did to torment each other, right?

The rest of my homework took an excruciatingly long time to complete. I sat at my desk, grumbling about how I should've gotten it over with earlier, while Noah put away all his things. I ignored the noises he made and continued to rush through my work.

Another hour flew by and I was almost done when something occurred to me: it was a little too quiet. Turning around, I saw that Noah was passed out, curled up at the top of his bed. His face was peaceful, though his lips were turned up at each end in a little smile. I found myself smiling a tiny smile of my own. Scolding myself, I went back to work.

By midnight, I was dead tired. I flipped off the light switch and gladly went to bed.

As I drifted off into unconsciousness, something found it's way into my mind.

It had only been a day, and I could already feel myself warming up to Noah.

I wasn't sure that I was quite ready for that.

* * *

Not so long, but it's decent. I want to know your opinion- what do you think of Noah? I couldn't think of a name for him, but I think this one suits him a little. Reviews would completely make my day better, hint hint (:


	7. Stuck

I'd planned to add the police bit in here, but BAM, say hello to the evil cold that makes me feel like extreme crap. P: So you good people of get this, the product of my laziness. Thank you for listening to me ramble. (:

* * *

Every one of my teachers was pleased that I'd gotten all my missing work made up in just one day. I didn't have as much work the following week, so I'd decided to hang around my room a bit, catch up on my sleep, and some times if I felt adventurous enough, I'd go walk around the yards surrounding the orphanage.

Today was one of those adventurous days.

It was Friday, a rather cold day. The weather man had predicted that morning that there would be huge amounts of snow later in the evening - it was now four in the afternoon and still there was no signs of any extreme weather. The grass, which once was vivid green just a couple months ago, was brown and lifeless. The sky, surprisingly, was mostly cloudless.

I found myself by the small park that, a couple of years ago, the adults of the community had voted to build for the unfortunate orphan children. Numb hands shoved in the pockets of my jacket, I stared at the children running through the park, bundles of color across my unfocused vision. I could only stand there, my breath clearly visible in front me, and watch them scream with joy and chase each other, never getting tired. _Children_, I thought, _were endless balls of joy_.

That train of thought lead to another: were they oblivious to the pain and suffering of others around them? Could they possibly be so caught up in their own blissful existences that they didn't know about negative things? Yes, the answer had to be yes. Child innocence, after all, was such a blessing. To be able to not be aware of everything bad in the world and to only feel the purely good emotions. They wouldn't be conscious of the mass amounts of anger and hate and sadness present everywhere you turn. There would only be happiness and best friends and sunshine all the time.

It must be like _heaven_.

Something then snapped me out of my dreadfully melancholy thoughts. A haunting presence, almost like a ghost, behind me. I turned my head to see someone I did not, in all my life, want to see.

It wasn't hard to guess. Near, clad in all white, gazed at me, expressionless.

I glared at him for a full thirty seconds before I said, "Well, what do _you _want?"

A pause. "I am very sorry about what happened to...your friend."

"Hah!" I snorted. "Like hell you are! You didn't even like him." At least he didn't stall me with small talk - he went straight to the point. But that was no comfort for me.

"That does not mean that I can't be regretful about his death, Mello. I have never said that I disliked him." He took a lock of his pale hair and began curling it about between two of his fingers. He was slightly bent over and his posture made him resemble L a bit. This bothered me, but I did not know why.

"Whatever. I don't care." The vast amount of anger the welled up in me so suddenly surprised me. Near had _never _as long as Matt and I had been at Wammy's expressed any interest in Matt. We'd both hated him with a passion and hadn't really kept it a secret, but Near…somehow, we assumed that he'd just automatically hated us back. I knew that there was no way Near even had an ounce of affection for me in his body, but was it possible that he could have considered Matt a friend? When Matt was still here, I made sure that everyone we came upon knew for a fact that I absolutely _despised _Near. But Matt never really said anything, except for agreeing with me subtly a couple of times. So it was probable that Near might think that Matt had more of a liking for him than I did.

I didn't move. It was like I was rooted to this very spot.

A few moments passed.

"Mello…I know Mail would not exactly consider me his friend, but I know that you were there when it happened. Can you tell me _how_? I asked Roger once, but he seems determined not to tell me," Near said quietly.

I grinded my teeth together and clenched my fists so hard that my nails cut little half circles into my palms.

"What right," I started, slowly, "do you _possibly _think that you have to know something like that?" I had to remind myself to breathe.

"I know that it's not any concern of mine. It's just that rumors travel fast around this place, and some say that it was _your _fault. I want my facts straight. I don't believe that you could've laid a finger on him, Mello. Besides, I loathe not knowing things," Near tilted his head and gazed at me, his expression not unfriendly.

I was speechless. Of course, I knew all along that the people here were saying things about me, but for Near to come to me to set things straight? It wasn't like him.

But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Near was always blunt about every thing. And then I considered the odds of me getting away from this situation. I admitted to myself that they weren't good at all - as long as I'd known Near, once he wanted something, he went after it until it was in his hands. I'd have to tell him. Besides, it didn't matter that much if it got out. Who cared if everyone knew? I certainly didn't anymore.

I sighed angrily. "Can we at least go inside? I'm freezing."

Near did something with his facial muscles that almost resembled a smile. "Of course."

We walked inside, obtaining a handful of odd stares from people who knew there to be nothing but pure hate between us. _Why would two enemies be walking together?_, they'd be thinking.

I was kind of wondering the same thing myself.

I pushed through the hordes of orphans in the hallways to get to my room. Near struggled to keep up. It was a relief when I reached my door.

Then I remembered that I had forgotten about Noah. Would he be here? Then again it _was _Friday, maybe the kid had made some friends already.

When I stepped into my room, Near tagging quietly along behind me, I saw the munchkin curled up in a blanket, sleeping soundly. It was only 5 P.M. Noah must have had a really rough first week.

"I didn't know you had a roommate…is it safe to talk here? Will he wake up?" Near asked.

Sitting down on my bed, I bit down on a chocolate bar. "I doubt it." I shrugged, although I really didn't know myself. Near sat at my desk, turned so he was facing me.

There was an awkward silence. "I heard it was a car crash. You were driving."

"Yes." I agreed.

"You're not old enough. You don't have a license."

"Yeah, and who the hell cares?" I growled. Near didn't betray any emotion.

"You'll have to deal with the police, if you haven't already. It's been at least two weeks, after all."

He was telling me things I already knew. It aggravated me.

"I _know_," I said, maybe a bit too loud. I hat to remember to keep my voice down. I couldn't wake Noah.

Near said nothing after that. After five minutes, I supposed he was waiting for me to tell him. I bit my lip and started. "That night…he, Matt…there was a video game release at a store downtown. He wanted to go so bad, and he didn't know how to drive, so I took him. He hot wired this car from the parking lot…it was raining, raining really bad. We were almost there and I could see the lines of people waiting for that stupid game, when we stopped at a red light. I wasn't paying any attention. I saw the car before he noticed anything. This drunk idiot crashed into the passenger's side of the car. The doctor said we flipped over twice, and we were upside down…" I hadn't realized till now that a single tear had slipped down my cheek. I couldn't cry in front of _Near_. If I showed any signs of weakness in front of him, that would make this situation much worse than it already was. I tried to subtly wipe it away before Near could notice, but that wasn't very likely. He was staring at me with an expression I couldn't quite place.

I looked away at the wall and continued. "I think we both passed out for a bit. When we woke up, I couldn't feel anything, but I could tell Matt was hurt really bad. The paramedics came for us and tried to dig us out of there. They took us to the hospital…by the time I woke up, he was already gone…" My voice broke. I cleared my throat.

I almost began again, but Near held up a hand to stop me. "That's enough."

I was too tired to argue, so I simply said, "Okay."

"Thank you, Mello. That clears things up a bit." He smiled. "It is apparent that this wasn't your fault like I presumed. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have things to do."

I could only nod. Near opened the door and left.

_What an idiot,_ I thought. _Of_ course _it was my fault. There was no one else in this god forsaken place to blame._

I put my head in my hands, trying very hard not to cry. I had never been much of a crier, but it seemed that that was all I could do lately.

Out of the corner of my left eye, I could see a pair of worried, green eyes directed at me. I immediately straightened and composed my face.

"You were asleep!" I said a bit too harshly.

"For a little bit," he admitted, seemingly ashamed. How much did he hear?

I voiced my concern out loud.

"Well…" He dragged the word out.

"Ugh, out with it already," I said, exasperated.

"Well, I woke up when you closed the door. I thought you would get mad at me, so I pretended to be asleep."

I thought about it for a minute, about what I'd concluded before. It didn't matter anymore who knew about that night. And if Noah was going to hate me for something, killing my own best friend was a good a reason as anything.

"…Are you mad at me?" He asked in a tiny voice.

"Nah," I smiled at Noah and he grinned back, a toothy grin. "It's just…ah, never mind."

He didn't push me any further.

I snuck back enough food for the both of us. I ate while reading a book for my English class. In reality, I was just trying to kill enough time until it was acceptable to go to bed. When it was, I turned out the light and crawled into my warm, safe bed. My body was dead tired, but my mind wouldn't let it sleep. Thoughts raced through my head as though time was running out to think. My conversation with Near had forced me to think of things I drove to the very deepest corners of my mind in the days after the accident. Things I didn't want to think about and never ever wanted to think about for the rest of my life. Those things pasted through my head, threatening to drive me past the carefully painted lines of my limits.

"Mello?" I heard from the other side of the room.

Resisting the urge to sigh, I whispered, "Yes?" back. I heard him sit up. I stayed where I was, looking blankly toward his general direction.

"I thought about it. And it reminded me of when I saw my sister die. I was only four then and I didn't know what was going on. I remember that I missed her a lot after she was gone. And I remember how much it hurt when my daddy left me and mommy all by ourselves. Then she got sick, really sick, and I saw her die. So they took me away and put me here." He paused. "Mello, I loved her so much. And it must have been so bad when you saw your friend Matt die. I bet you loved him too, just like I loved her," His voice was so heartbreakingly sad.

I didn't say anything. I _couldn't _say anything.

"I'm sorry. I'll just go to bed. Good night, Mello," he said in one breath. I heard him lay back down.

"You're right, I did love him," My voice broke for the second time this evening. "Don't be sorry. Good night." I could almost feel his childish smile in the air.

Not that long after, I could hear Noah's light snores. They were oddly comforting, as I'd found out in the past week.

_So much is different than it was two or three weeks ago_, I thought. Almost everything had changed. The way I felt about everything, my perspective, and my _roommate_, just to name a few things…

And yet, things were exactly the same as they had been not too long ago.

* * *

The only reason Near was in this chapter is because someone requested more Near. Now, he wasn't in my master plan for this story (okay, so I don't really have one of those, but there's an outline somewhere in my head), but I think it worked out okay. So I thank whoever requested Near, it was really fun writing this at ungodly hours in the morning. (: I might fit him in here again before the end.


	8. The Epiphany

Oh, wow, I take a long time to update.

Now, I would _really _like to thank whoever requested moar Near (sorry, I'm too lazy to log on to and read my reviews). I can't remember where I was going with this before, but now that Near came into the picture I've got a this huge outline written out that took up like four pages. D: So it'll be this chapter, one more, then an epilogue of some sort and I'm done. Sad, huh?

* * *

Before I could stop to think about it, March had faded into April, then finally May. Much to everyone's delight, the weather had been improving wonderfully - there was rarely any more bouts of cold weather, only blazing sunshine. The class I was currently in, Biology, was one of the few classes I had left before final exams. Most of the older orphans had had their nose in a book, studying almost all of the time that they had free. Everyone at Wammy's had almost the same exact ambition - to get into a decent college on a scholarship (how else would they pay for it?) and make something of their lives, which required decent grades. I, on the other hand, knew that I should devote some time to passing my exams. Instead, I found myself wandering around the orphanage more and more in my spare time. I made excuses to myself: _I know the material well enough. I have plenty of time to study, exams are weeks away._ _They'll probably be easy, most of these teachers are brainless gits anyways. There are colleges already lined up to give me money, I am _second_, after all. _In classes, I passed the time by staring out the window at whatever happened to be there. And if that particular classroom didn't have a window, I would draw absentmindedly on a piece of paper.

It had never been like this before. I'd always pay absolute attention and take notes on even the most unimportant details. Every little point had counted. Everything mattered, when it came to beating Near. But something inside of me had stopped caring. And everyone had noticed, including the teachers.

_The sky really is an interesting place_, I thought lazily, staring up at it through the streaky window. It had been raining earlier that day. _The birds are really lucky to get to just fly and be carefree in such a beautiful place-_

"Ah, Mr. Mello, can you please repeat to the class what I've just said?" I jerked my head to the right to see the teacher, on the younger side and with unnaturally blonde hair, tapping her left high heel impatiently against the tiled floor, her arms crossed on her chest. She would have been quite pretty, except for the lines of exhaustion and frustration etched on her face that made her appear ten years older than she probably was. A smile wouldn't hurt anyone either.

"_Well_?" she demanded. Her eyes bore into mine. Think, _think_…I rapped my fingernails noisily against the desk.

"Something about…biology, right? Yes, I'm positive it was something related to biology. Maybe plants…because plants are so very interesting," I mused, without really meaning to. I gave her my best 'I'm a good child, really' smile. Some kids snickered, the few teacher's pets gave me dirty looks. I felt the smile melt off my face when she scowled, her look almost murderous. Apparently, this wasn't her day. Was any day good for her?

"Oh, very funny. Nice to see that all this education hasn't been wasted on you," She turned sharply back to the board and began to write in her overly bubbly handwriting. "See to it that you pay more attention in my class or you _will _regret it."

I really did try to pay attention after that, I truly did. But the fact that I already knew everything that she was lecturing on made it extremely difficult to listen, plus the fact that the sky, the beautiful sky, was just begging me to look at it-

A war began in my head.

_No, pay attention, you idiot!_

_I'm not an idiot, I'm just distracted easily. Besides, this stuff is easy. I'll ace the exam, no problem._

_Not if you don't _pay attention_. She's bound to throw something in there that won't be in the book, so you should probably get your head out of the clouds. You know she's got it in for you._

_Yeah, sure, whatever'll make you shut up._

So I went to drawing the clouds that mocked me outside on my notebook. It was a win-win situation - the voice in my head stopped lecturing me (which made me feel a bit insane to be quite honest), and the teacher, who thought that I was taking notes, had a rather pleased smirk on her face.

Class let out twenty minutes later. I found myself standing in front of my room, key in hand. I let myself in and dropped onto my bed with a sigh.

There was a loud _thud._

I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes again, it was dark.

"Sorry," I heard a voice apologize from somewhere at the front of the room. Sitting up, I saw Noah sitting at the desk we shared, picking up a book on the floor he'd dropped.

"'S okay," I grumbled, the tone of my voice contradicting my words. "What time it is? Did I miss dinner?" As if on cue, I heard a low gurgle from my stomach. I wrapped my arms around my waist, like the action could stop it from continuing to growl.

"It's around seven. The kitchen'll might still be open, although there probably won't be a lot left."

"D'you want anything?" I asked. I figured I'd be nice.

"No, I already ate, thanks," Noah grinned, flashing a missing front tooth.

The walk down to the kitchen seemed to take much longer than it usually did. Finally, I arrived at the kitchen doors, shivering and thoroughly exhausted. The cook, a short, plump, lady who usually had a kind smile, scowled at me. It looked as if I'd caught her right when she was almost done cleaning up.

She reluctantly handed over a tray that consisted of a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a juice box, and some crackers. I thanked her quickly and rushed back up to my room.

I felt considerably more sleepy after I'd eaten. It was still early, and I had homework to do for tomorrow still, so I did what I thought would keep me awake - I attempted to make conversation with Noah while scrawling down answers on a worksheet.

"Hey, kid, what are you doing over there?" He had been quietly scribbling away for the past hour at the desk while I sat cross-legged on my bed.

He turned around, glanced at me, then went back to scribbling. "Drawing," he muttered. Suddenly, he straightened up in his chair. "Say, Mello, what's the date today?"

"Er-" I struggled to remember. May…something. Let's see…yesterday was the ninth, because I had that History essay due on the ninth…so that made today the tenth. "May tenth, right? Yeah, I think so."

"Oh." he smiled slightly, then reverted back to his piece of paper.

"Why, is there something important?" I said, feeling slightly left out.

He shrugged. "I guess not. I'm eight tomorrow."

"Why didn't you tell me? D'you want a present or something? I mean, I'm not exactly rich, but I think I could get you _something_-"

"No, no, don't get me anything," he said quickly. "I mean, that's nice of you, but I don't need anything." he added hastily, with an overly understanding smile. It made him look older, more mature than he should be for his age.

"Okay, fine," I said slowly. So the kid didn't want a present. Hmph, I was just trying to be nice, which was pushing it for me.

The book I'd been reading for Biology (Miss Fake-Pissy-Blondie had decided to punish the whole class for my lack of cooperation) was really very dull. I didn't know why teachers always insisted on teaching the same things year after year. I decided that it was useless reading it, when I'd already learned about it the year before and remembered it perfectly fine now. I moved onto Algebra, which, incidentally, wasn't even remotely difficult.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" I jumped at the sudden sound, a little annoyed that I'd been disrupted. I was almost done, too.

"You just did, I think."

Noah rolled his eyes. "Another question, duh."

"Whatever," I sighed, exasperated. It was now ten thirty and all I really wanted at the moment was to go back to sleep.

"Is your name really Mello? No offense, but that's sort of a weird name." There was a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Of course it isn't, it's just a nickname. So, in case Kira decides that he wants to kill me, he'll have to find my real name first. And only I know my real name. I'm not going down that easily." I frowned. I hadn't thought much about L or Kira since…well, before the accident.

"Oh," was all he said, before turning back around in his seat, seemingly deep in thought.

* * *

He didn't want anything special, so I didn't get him anything. The guys that occasionally sat with us at meals insisted that they sing him happy birthday loudly in the cafeteria, but Noah just turned bright red, shushed them, and insisted back that they didn't.

I just shrugged it off. So the kid didn't want anyone to acknowledge the fact that it was his birthday. Not my problem, right?

Wrong.

Over the past four or so months that I had known him, a sort of affection for Noah had wormed it's way into me without my permission. It wasn't unlike the way I'd felt about Matt, minus the romantic part. When he was picked on by the older kids, I stood up for him. When he needed help with his schoolwork, I guided him towards the right answers. I gave him advice and I even tried to cheer him up when he had that heartbreakingly sad look on his face that I just couldn't stand. It was really odd for me to feel like this because I could only think of one other person that I'd ever cared this much for. It was like…what was the word I was looking for?

Little brother. It was almost like I had a little brother.

Question was, did I want that?

I'd never had a brother, or a sister, for that matter. When my parents were alive, I had been an only child. As far as I could remember, I hadn't minded much. Or had I? Being an only child meant more attention, more toys, more love. But it also meant giving up that relationship that you could only share with a sibling. The need to protect, no matter what. The daily bickering over meaningless things, yet still managing to be the best of friends at the end of the day. The urge to simply _love_, after all was said and done.

Did I see that in him? _Did I want that?_The day had come to an end and I was enormously grateful, seeing at tomorrow was Saturday. And Saturday meant no classes and no stress, just _sleep_. Thank God for sleep.

* * *

"Goodnight," I chimed to Noah, pulling the sheets over my body.

"Goodnight," he replied, and I looked over to his bed just in time to meet his eyes.

I didn't know why I hadn't see it before. It was obvious, plain as day, sitting right in front of me.

I _knew _there was something all too familiar in his flecked green eyes, the way they peeked out from under his too long bangs. Noah even had the same cowlick at the top of his disheveled hair, wore the same sheepish expression half the time.

It suddenly occurred to me why every single time our eyes made contact that my heart lurched. Why I started to panic whenever he would grin at me just like _he _used to do. Surely the terrible memories would resurface again after I'd worked so hard to bury them in a place deep, far away in my mind. And if they came back again, I didn't know what I would do.

Because every time I looked into Noah's eyes, I saw Matt.

* * *

Forgive me, I suck. :P I was going to make this chapter and the next into one big chapter, but I figured that I've made you guys wait long enough, so here you go. A wonderfully sucky chapter.

I know where I want to go, I just can't think of how to get there.

Review? It would seriously make my day so much better. (and trust me, I need it.)

(On a more immature note-) Honestly, (I know it's a serious matter, but I have little patience) I think this all I ever hear people saying these days: OMG, SWINE FLU. (PS, sorry if I've offended you in any way, I'm an idiot :D)


	9. The Ending

**Ohai. It's been awhile. Well, five months isn't exactly a while…**

**Hell, this is _long_. I honestly don't blame you if you don't want to read it all. T_T**

**I'm hoping this will work out like I want it to. Because right now, I'm just going into this with a general idea on how I want it to go. Sorry if it turns out bad. Haha, I just apologize a whole hell of a lot. **

**Warning: there's a bit of language in here towards the end. I get a little carried away, haha. It's pretty much a battle of insults. But if you're offended by that kind of thing, then don't read it. Or cover your eyes. Also, it is roughly sixteen pages in Word. Very very long.**

**Last chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

_I can't._

_C'mon, just do it. Really, how hard can it be? You're the biggest wimp I've ever seen._

You're an insensitive jackass, you know? This is _hard_.

Hard_? Really, how bad can it be? It's been _months_. You have to have gotten over it by now. He's gone. And he's never coming back. So just look at the damn kid. You can do it._

I _can't_. He looks just like - (I gulped) - Matt did back when we were kids. The worse part is that his eyes are the exact same, although he's taller than Matt was and his hair is a little longer -

_Stop it. You sound like a heartbroken little girl. Go see him. He's probably worried. _

- I mean, how could I not have seen it before? Just like Matt, except the kid doesn't have a thing for videogames and striped shirts…

_GO. NOW. _

I sighed. Never in my whole life had I felt more insane. Really, who argued with themselves and felt normal about it?

As I glanced around the sparsely populated library, I saw that a few people were giving me odd looks. I scowled and most looked away, probably afraid.

Not that I could blame them. If I saw some weird kid making faces at himself, I'd probably think he was a bit messed up in the head, too.

I got up, my chair grazing the wooden floor loudly, and dragged myself out of the library and back to my room.

* * *

Really, what did I expect? That I could just go back to being all casual with Noah after I'd realized that he was the spitting image of my deceased best friend? How could I look him in the eye after all I'd done to Matt? After I'd _killed _him?

What the _hell _was I going to do?

I couldn't avoid Noah for the next couple of years. There was no possible way. And I just couldn't go up to him and laugh and be like, "Oh, hey, Noah, you bear an uncanny resemblance to my dead best friend! You know, the one that I helped kill? Haha, funny, right?" Yeah. I thought so.

I paced back in forth between the twin beds. Sooner or later he was going to notice that something was up. I'd avoided almost all contact with Noah in the past week or two. I only spoke when spoken to and said only the bare minimum.

Even though the voices didn't match up, hearing him speak still bothered me. They almost had the same tone, the tone of a person who thought that they had to take care of me.

Worse part was, Matt was slipping away from me. I couldn't remember exactly what his face looked like, or how his voice sounded. Memories were slipping away, and I couldn't do anything about it. How sad.

I slumped down onto my bed, my head in my hands.

I contemplated skipping my next class, the last one of the day.

_Hm, I wonder if she would believe that I was sick. Probably not. I used that excuse last week…Or was it the week before?_

I felt a tiny pressure on my side. Once, then twice, and a third time…and was someone saying my name?

Oh.

"What?" I grumbled, swatting away the hand prodding me in the side that I knew was my roommate's. I'd fallen asleep. But since when was my bed so cold and hard?

"Mello, you need to get up. You might get sick if you sleep on the floor."

I opened my eyes to see Noah staring down at me, unnecessarily concerned. Green, green, eyes…

_Oh._

I averted my eyes immediately, scrambling frantically back onto my bed. Distraction. I needed a distraction.

"I'm not that delicate," I snapped, pulling up my blankets around me. It was cold, for May. I doubted I could go back to sleep now, with the hazy memories threatening to come back and haunt the hell out of me. I didn't know if I could handle that now.

Something hard hit me in the back, probably leaving a bruise. I turned over on my side to find that Noah had thrown a baseball at me.

"What the hell's your problem? That hurt."

"No, what's _your _problem?" Noah yelled back at me. I could feel my eyes unconsciously widening; I'd never heard him raise his voice before.

"I haven't got a problem." I said slowly. It sounded very unconvincing, like I was trying to assure myself more than him.

"Yes, you do. I'm not stupid. Why won't you look at me? Am I ugly or something?"

"What do you mean?" I breathed, panicking. He knew. He knew. And I couldn't tell him, could I? He'd hate me.

"I noticed. You can't look at me. You won't talk to me. Why?"

I sat very still and stared at my hands in my lap. Maybe if I didn't say anything, Noah would go away. Maybe he would forgive me without having to ask any questions.

Yeah. I didn't have that kind of luck.

He waited and waited. It might have been thirty seconds or thirty minutes. He didn't push me, although I could feel hurt rolling off of him in waves. I was _hurting _him. He didn't deserve that, not at all.

"You look just like him," I muttered. I knew he heard me. The room was unnaturally quiet.

Noah remained silent. I put my head in my hands for the second time that evening and took a deep, unsteady breath. "I mean, the voice is different, but the hair and the eyes…" My voice broke on the last word.

_I will not look up_, I promised myself.

"Your friend? Matt?" he said, his voice much louder and stronger than mine. There was childlike wonder in his voice. "Really?"

"Yeah," I said, lamely. Nothing else came to mind.

"Is that why? Because I look like him?" Noah paused. "I thought it was something different. That you didn't like me."

"_What_? No!" My hands fell to my lap and found myself looking straight at him. My head spun sickeningly and I was quick to avert my eyes. "It's not like that. It's just that…you get it, right? I _hurt _Matt. It's my fault that he's dead. If I hadn't agreed to drive him to the stupid game store, he'd still be…he'd…" I trailed off.

You could've heard a pin drop. That was how quiet it was. You could even the muffled dinner crowd out in the cafeteria through the shut door. You could hear the steady _tick-tock _of the clock on the desk and grasshoppers happily chirping outside the window.

"It's not your fault."

My gaze fell on him. And he was smiling. A wide, knowing smile.

And right then, he reminded me more of Matt than ever. I had never missed him more than I had right then.

It wasn't my fault. Sure, dirt wasn't brown and the ocean wasn't blue and I wasn't a murderer. Facts, right?

It sounded just like something Matt used to say.

* * *

My story was quite well known.

Just another fact. You know that new kid, Mello? Yeah, Mello. Blonde hair, always wears black clothes? He watched his parents die.

My dad used to be very much into drugs. He spend everything he had and money he didn't have on drugs. That is, until he met my mom. He quit for her. It wasn't easy, he told me. He tried and he tried and finally, he quit. After that, they'd gotten married and had me. We were happy. Sure, the three of us didn't have much money, but our house was nice and there was always just enough food to get us by.

My dad's druggie ex-'friends' would show up at our door every once and awhile. I wasn't supposed to know about them, but sound traveled through the walls in our house. They were always there for one reason and one reason only: the money that my dad still owed them. I knew my dad never got to paying it all back because one night, three men walked into our house began arguing with him in the kitchen. I stood in a shadow by the doorway and watched as it turned into a fist fight.

A man with bloodshot eyes and dirty hair had pulled a gun from his pocket. I'll never forget it. Silver and shiny, he pointed it straight at my mother's heart and said to my father, "Give us what you owe us. We're tired of your goddamned excuses. Give it to us and we'll leave."

My mother's eyes were wide and she began to cry hysterically. She cried and frantically screamed my dad's name. "Nick! Nick! What about Mello?"

"I just need a little more time! _Please_, just a little -"

The shot rang clear throughout the house. Another thing I would never, in all my lifetime, forget. I had to bite down on my lip hard to keep myself from crying out loud. My fists clenched so hard that I could feel the blood pounding through them painfully. I remembered feeling blood trickle down my chin.

The man had the strangest smile on his face. He didn't care that he had just killed a woman. No, he laughed.

"Now, about our money…"

"Shoot me, then. I don't have your money. I don't have anything." My father's expression was one mingled with grief. He didn't want to live anymore.

The man's eyes turned hard. "I don't want your life, I want your money."

"I told you, I don't have it." His eyes flickered to me, standing in the doorway behind the men. Run, his eyes said. Run and whatever you do, don't come back. He knew that it was over for him, but it didn't have to be over for me.

But I was rooted to the ground where I stood. Where would I go?

The man turned to the other two men on either side of him. They nodded to one another in agreement, then turned to my father again. He stared straight at me, panicked that I hadn't left yet. "Forget it. We've come to the conclusion that you're not worth our time anymore, Nick." The man aimed the weapon at my father and shot without any hesitation.

And just like that, in the span of only a couple of minutes, my whole world was gone.

"C'mon, what are you doing? Look around. Maybe he's got shit here worth something."

I ran out the door without stopping for shoes or anything and straight down the street to the police station. The rest is a blur, really. I cant remember what I did after I got there or where I slept or what I ate. I do remember that the ringing sound of a gunshot haunted me for months, even years, after.

Three days after, I was placed in an orphanage called Wammy's.

Long story short, I befriended Matt. He was my best and only friend and probably the sole reason my sanity was somewhat still intact at that point. He was fun to hang out with and he didn't ask questions like everyone else seemed to. Things were simple with him, and I liked that.

But the story of how the new kid's parents died somehow got out. In a week, everyone knew. It was skewed and twisted, and things that didn't really happen were stuck in there. But no one cared about the truth. Things were always more interesting that way.

People believed that it was my fault that my parents weren't alive anymore. It didn't matter if I tried to correct them or not. They wouldn't listen. Kids glared at me and accused me. I heard it numerous times a day. _It's your fault. You're a monster. How could you do that to your own parents? _After awhile, I just stopped trying altogether.

And if you hear something enough times, you start to believe it.

Of course. _Of course. _How could I have been so stupid? I could have called the police. I could have run to a neighbor and had them help. I should've locked the front door. Why didn't I? It _was _my fault.

"No, it's not your fault. It isn't, Mello. Don't listen to them, they're just idiots." Matt smiled at me.

* * *

"Yes it is," I yelled. I felt my eyes widen. The world spun. "You don't know anything. You're just -"

Noah's smile quickly faded and an angry expression took its place. "No! You're so _stupid_. You couldn't have done anything."

"I should've told him no! If I weren't so stupid, Matt would still be here!" Tears stung my eyes and blurred my vision, but I didn't dare let them fall. I would be strong.

"I bet you Matt's happy. He's happy in heaven right now. But you're making him sad, Mello. He doesn't want you to blame yourself. He wants you to be happy too," Noah said softly, his green eyes sad.

My head pounded. I couldn't take it. "Stop it. Go. Please? Just go." My voice cracked.

"You know what? Fine." Noah shouted, then slammed the door shut.

I sank down on my bed and buried my head in my pillows.

* * *

One o'clock. _How long had it been? _I thought numbly. A couple of hours. More than that? Four? Five? I couldn't move. I laid facedown on my cold bed while very little thoughts passed through my head. The sun went down and all went quiet as the children slept. One o'clock.

Five hours was sure a long time to be gone.

What if something had happened to him? What if he tripped? He had never been very coordinated. What if he left the orphanage and wandered around in the wrong kind of neighborhood? There was an awful lot of those around here. What he got kidnapped? He's a cute kid and it _is _one o' clock in the morning…

Slowly put surely, I pushed myself up onto my knees and off my bed. I stood. What would I even do? Sure, I was mad at him. But I wouldn't ever forgive myself if something happened to the kid.

I put on my shoes and slipped out the door.

* * *

It was like starting a puzzle; I had no idea where to begin. I just had to look for two pieces that looked alike.

Question was, where would he go? Everything inside was locked: the library, the commons, the gymnasium. He would be outside, then.

My footsteps echoed loudly in the hallways. I didn't care if someone heard me.

The front door was locked after nine, so I snuck out through the side door in the west wing. It too was supposed to be locked, but all the older kids knew that if your jiggled the handle just right and kicked the bottom at the same time, it would open.

I shivered once the cool air hit my face. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my pants.

The grounds itself weren't that big. I figured there were two places he would probably be: the park, which was right around the corner, by the front of the orphanage or the creek, which was hidden just beyond the trees in the opposite direction. And since the park was closer and was better lit, I decided to check there first.

_He's probably there_, I reassured myself. _Yeah. He went to the park. _But in the couple minutes it took me to walk there, the chance that Noah would be there felt like it was going down and down and down. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I didn't know why.

My heart sank deep down low when came upon the park and saw it was completely deserted.

I hung my head and made my way to the swings. What the hell was I supposed to do now? He probably wasn't down at the creek. It was too dark to even see anything in the trees.

Where else would he be? He could be in the field….but no one ever went there at night, just during the daytime to play sports.

The swing made an annoying squeaky noise every time I swung back and forth. Five hours was an _awfully _long time to be gone. Maybe he had stayed in one of his friend's rooms. Wait. Did the kid even have friends?

"Mello? Is that you?"

"Mmph!" I jumped and fell ungracefully off my swing. My face collided with the ground. Painfully. Getting wood chips stuck in your face isn't pleasant. The voice laughed from a distance.

It began to rain. The steady pounding of the cold rain disturbed the peaceful quiet of the grounds.

I pulled myself up and attempted clear my face of wood chips. Damn, why did they have to put wood chips in the park? I mean, no one even likes wood chips. Sand. There should be sand. _But then_, I thought absentmindedly, _my face would be covered in wet sand…_

Noah's green eyes peeked out from underneath his hair. Only his head was visible from inside the colorful slide-tube thing.

"Um, what are you doing here? Why aren't you inside?" He asked curiously, tilting his head a little.

"Me? What about _you_? Stupid, are you planning to sleep in a slide?" I grumbled, picking another wood chip out of my hair.

"I thought I'd come back when you were asleep." Noah said quietly. He didn't seem all that mad anymore.

Rain soaked through my clothes, making me shiver.

"Let's get back inside, okay? It's freezing."

"Okay." He climbed out of the slide-tube and stood up straight. " I was just gonna -" Noah stopped and stared past my shoulder, wide-eyed.

"What? What're you looking at?" I turned my head, curious.

He ran towards me, took my hand and shook it. "Mello," he whispered sharply, "Those guys pick on me. C'mon, we gotta get outta here!"

Behind me, maybe a hundred feet away, stood three shadows. All three were rather short and stout, but they were definitely stronger than I was by the looks of them.

"But where do we go?" I whispered back, leaning down to his height. "We have to go in that direction to get back."

"Um…um…"

"Hey!" The middle one shouted to his buddies. "Look what we have here. Mello and his little buddy," he laughed.

Noah clung to my side. I could even feel him shaking a little. Was he really that afraid? Had they hurt him before? Screw it. I didn't care that I was outnumbered. I'd beat the shit out of all of them.

"Shut up. What do you want?"

"We just want to talk," The one on the left said, acting like he was hurt by my accusations.

"What do you want?" I repeated, slower, so his undeveloped brain could understand it.

"Oh, someone's a little pissy. Why're you so angry, _Mello_? Upset that your pal Matt kicked the bucket? No one even liked him anyways." His friends burst into laughter, like that was just the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

That was it. "Fuck off!" I yelled, taking a step closer.

"What was that?" His voice turned darker. "Did you just tell me to fuck off? You think you're gonna get away with that, you little bitch? No one talks to me like that." He stepped forward, into the light. He looked familiar. _I've seen him before_, I thought. What was his name? David? Daniel? Something with a D. Derek. Yeah, that was it.

He stood an arm's length away. Close enough for me to hit. I felt Noah shrink back.

"What's wrong?" I murmured to Noah, although Derek could probably hear me.

"He gave me a cut on my face one time, when I wouldn't give him the money I had," he whimpered. "And he pushed me down before in the hallway. A lot of times."

"What the hell's your problem?" I shouted, turning back to Derek. I could feel the anger welling up inside of me. I didn't even care that he had two friends that were much bigger than me to back him up. "You'd hit a little kid?"

"What's the difference? Who cares?"

"You're a stupid bastard! He's just a _child_!"

"So?" He wore the oddest smile. I was instantly reminded of a warm night, many years ago, of a man with dirty hair and bloodshot eyes…and a shiny, shiny gun…

I lunged at him and tackled us both to the ground.

I swung my arm back to hit his face, but he caught it and pinned it down to the ground. Derek roughly flipped me over so that I was on the ground now.

"Touch him again and I'll make you wish you never knew me," I snarled. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and lifted me a couple inches off the ground.

"Listen," he spat. "I can beat the living shit out of you. I can make sure you end up just like your friend - dead. So watch what you say, moron. You're in no position to be making threats."

"Yeah? _Fuck off_. Go read a book or something, dumbass." I laughed, when his fist collided hard with the right side of my face. I bit down on my cheek accidentally, causing blood to well up in my mouth.

I'd forgotten all about the other two guys, until I heard a tiny voice yell, "Hey, get offa me!"

No, they couldn't hurt him. He was just a kid. _But they don't care_, I thought, bitterly. _Gotta act fast. Gotta act fast._

Putting as much force as I could into it, I jammed my foot into Derek's stomach. He rolled over onto his side, off of me, and groaned in pain. His two friends dropped Noah on the ground and proceeded to try and help Derek, who grunted angrily and waved them off.

Seizing my opportunity, I grabbed Noah's arm and ran towards the orphanage, dragging him along with me.

What would we do when we got there? Did they know which room was ours? I supposed that I could go to Roger, but would that even help? He was going to go after me no matter what now. Normally, I wouldn't have run away. But I had Noah with me. Plus that bastard had his overweight friends with him as backup.

"Almost there," I breathed. Fifty more feet.

Suddenly, there were three sets of heavy footfalls behind us, approaching faster than I'd thought possible. How could they have caught up so fast?

A huge weight wrestled me to the ground. "Get inside!" I shouted to Noah. He hesitated for a second, then sprinted toward the building.

Derek had landed next to me, and he wouldn't stay on the ground long before he'd get up. I scrambled to my feet, but before I could move anywhere, a strong arm snaked around my neck, immobilizing me.

"You'll pay for that," he exhaled heavily in my ear. I shivered in disgust.

All of a sudden, he let go of me and shoved me to the ground. Derek let loose an unnerving laugh above me, staring down at me with gleaming eyes.

I was sprawled out on the cold ground in front of his feet. His two friends were on either side of him.

"I told you you'd pay, you little fucker," he snarled.

He walked forward with an air of sick amusement, and ever so casually, stepped on my right arm with both his massive feet, shifting all his weight onto it.

Pain is a funny thing. During that time when Matt and I were stuck in the car, I couldn't feel a thing. I was completely numb. Now, it consumed me. I couldn't think of anything else. Pain, pain pain. Blinding, unyielding, pain. _Please, make it stop. _

There was dancing white dots in my vision, kind of like the flash of a camera or when you accidentally look at the sun. I couldn't concentrate on just one thought: Where was Noah? When was this going to stop? What could I do? And what was that noise? Horrid screams. And laughter. Twisted laughter. Causing pain was funny to him. Just like that man with the shiny gun.

I was consumed with hatred, both for the man from the past and for Derek.

The rain was pounded on the ground. It cooled me off, making the hurt just a tiny fraction better.

"I hope you learned not to mess with me, blondie. Now, I'm - "

"Mello!" A familiar voice yelled. I struggled to lift my head.

Noah dashed across the wet grass, with Roger hurrying behind him, a phone in his hand.

"I called an ambulance," Rodger panted. His gray hair stuck up on one side and it looked like Noah had woken him up. "It looks like your arm is broken." He glanced up at Derek and his companions. "Do I have to bring the police into this? If you're smart, you'll get back into your beds. I'll deal with you three tomorrow."

"Shut it, old man." Derek said nonchalantly, and walked away towards the trees. His cronies tagged along like two obedient puppies.

Roger cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed. "Well…"

Noah was sitting by my broken arm, cross-legged, though he didn't dare touch it. My breathing was heavy, and when I tried to sit up, pain flashed throughout my torso. I groaned and tried very hard not to move.

"Stay." Noah commanded. I did.

The ambulance arrived less than ten minutes later. Roger ran inside for a short moment, then came back out and got in the front seat of the ambulance. Noah wasn't allowed to come.

"We're going to give you some medicine for the pain," a kind-looking lady said to me. "It should knock you out. Okay?"

"Mhmm…."

There was a small prick at the inside of my elbow, and everything slowly started fading away.

* * *

"Melloooo, wakey wakey, sleepy head!" A voice laughed. It sounded odd, like it was miles away. But I could still hear it.

"Melloooo…" It sang.

I was laying down on a floor that was neither hard or soft, warm or cold. My arm didn't hurt at all, although I knew it should. Why, though?

The voice laughed again, getting closer. And the more it laughed, the more I loved it. It sounded vaguely familiar, like I'd heard it before somewhere. Many times.

I couldn't find the right muscles to open my eyes, or even move for that matter. Ah, there it was. Right underneath my eyebrows and on either side of my nose. I opened them slowly.

Everything was pure. Sort of like white, only more innocent. Glowy, maybe? Words couldn't even describe it.

It scared me. I was probably the worst thing in this place.

"Haha, there you are! Have a nice nap?" I turned in the direction of the voice so fast it made me head hurt. I knew that voice. I used to spend hours a day listening to it.

His smile, his obnoxious striped shirt, his red hair…everything about him made my head spin. I thought I was going to throw up.

I tried to speak, but no words came out of my mouth.

"Hey," he said softly. He took a step forward and raised his hand forward a little like he was reaching for me, but it dropped back in place at his side. "Miss me? I've been stuck here for a while now." He smiled sheepishly.

I nodded dumbly.

"You know, I've missed you too. A lot. It's so lonely without you here to make fun of me all the time."

"Where am I?" I croaked. My voice sounded pathetic, and I hated that. I hated being weak.

"I'm dead, right? So, I don't know. I never really believed in heaven, but this place isn't so bad." He cocked his head to the side.

"Does that mean I'm…I'm…" _Oh god, how did I die? I can't remember. I can't remember what happened before, and what day it's supposed to be, or even what month it is or whether I had classes today. Oh, crap._

"Nah. I think we're just supposed to talk and stuff. You know, make amends." He laughed again, the laugh that I loved.

"What amends?"

Another step closer.

"The heavens have revealed that you've been having troubles. You know, nothing is your fault. I would've found a way to that game store that night even if you had told me no." Matt grinned.

"But even if you walked there, you would've been fine. And nothing would've -"

"Would've. Yeah, you don't know that. I _could've_ gotten run over by a bus or I _could've_ gotten stampeded to death by hoards of crazy video game fans. It was my time to go. You've got to stop blaming yourself."

"But you're only sixteen! It wasn't your time to go," I said desperately. Like if I could prove his argument wrong, he could come back to Wammy's with me and we could continue with life like everything was normal.

"Remember the car we stole? Ah, it was a nice car…" He said dreamily. "Well, the lady who owned that car was having problems with the brakes on her way home that day. She didn't want to drive it home, so she left it in the nearest parking lot overnight and called her husband to come pick her up. She was going to get it towed in the morning, but two stupid, young boys hot wired and totaled it before that could ever happen. Those two boys are us, by the way."

"How do you even know that?" I dropped down on the ground and hugged my knees to my chest. If we'd just picked another car in that parking lot, we would have been fine. Fate hated us.

"Things just come to me. If I concentrate on it for a while, I'll know. It'll just pop into my head. Like about your little buddy that looks like a mini-me," Matt beamed. "I like him. Oh, and the lady never pressed charges."

"Yeah," I sighed. The police had come to interrogate me after the accident in the hospital. They were overloaded with cases, so they didn't have much time for me. They were supposed to come later this week. Grand theft auto was sort of illegal. "She kind of shrugged it off. Her husband is filthy rich."

"Figures. Near went to the police on your behalf. Did you know that? To tell them that you're a good kid and everything so that they would go easier on you. And you know how people trust Near's opinion…Say, Mello, you should get back soon. Your little buddy is worried about you." _Oh_. The fight. My arm.

But_ Near_? The Near that I hated? That hated me? Why would he do that?

"But, how? How do I get home?"

"Close your eyes and tap your heels three times."

I smiled. "Shut up, Matt."

"I don't know. Maybe you have to want to go back." He sounded sad.

"But I don't want to. I missed you."

"But you have to. You don't belong here…" It was silent for a couple of moments, then Matt suddenly closed to distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. I let my arms hang awkwardly at my sides, then hugged him back.

"You have to go now," Matt said in my ear.

"I don't want to." My heart raced. I would never see Matt again.

"Bye, Mello." I could feel the smile in his voice.

"Bye, Matt," I whispered.

Everything went black.

* * *

When I came back into consciousness, I found myself listening to the steady beep of the heart monitor. I hated it. As long as that thing kept going, I was going to be away from Matt.

"Hey, I think he's waking up," said Noah, from my left.

No, he's not waking up. Let him sleep. He's tired and he misses Matt terribly.

I opened my eyes reluctantly. A nurse was walking through the door.

"Oh, hello! Are you in any pain?" Now that she mentioned it, my right arm throbbed like there was no tomorrow. And I couldn't move it. It was encased in something hard.

"My arm. It hurts."

"I'll be right back with some medicine for that." And with that, she walked briskly out the door. I turned my head to see Noah smiling brightly at me with a big bandage on his forehead.

He saw me staring at it. "Oh, it's just a scratch."

I closed my eyes and smiled at him. "Matt says he likes you."

"Really?" Noah said, amazed. "That's so cool!"

"Yeah. Were you here when the doctor was here? Do you know what he said?"

"Oh, he was here earlier with Roger. He said that…um…your arm was broken in a lot of places. They did surgery on it." _Oh. So that's why it hurts so freakin' bad. _"And you can go home in a couple of days, but you have to wear that cast for a long time."

"Crap," I groaned.

"It won't be that bad." He beamed at me. "You know, there was a police man here too. He says you might have to go to this place for stealing a car."

I groaned again. That wasn't going to happen. I wasn't going to go to some juvenile delinquent center.

Wait, I was old enough. I was sixteen now. I could make it out on my own. I had some money. Not a lot, but some. I didn't have to stay at Wammy's…leaving would be so easy. I didn't even have any reason to stay there anymore.

A plan already started to form in my head. There was no way I would go willingly to that place for god knows how many years, so I would leave. After I got out of the hospital, I would pack up all my things and just go. I didn't know where yet, but I'd find somewhere. Saying goodbye to the kid would be tough…so I'd just leave in the middle of the night do I wouldn't have to.

It could work.

"What are you thinking about, Mello? Your face looks funny," Noah laughed.

I grinned. Leaving him behind would be hard. "Shut up, kid."

* * *

**I worked on this for hours. I lost count. I really hope it turned out okay. I feel like I just crammed a lot of things into this chapter to make it work. I feel like the ending sucks too. Oh well. :D Reviewwww, please?**

**Epilogue next. Just because it makes things more interesting. Or more boring. You'll see. :)**


	10. New

Wow, long time guys. Haha, my bad. This is the epilogue, and although it is short I hope you enjoy it. I did the best I could. :)

* * *

Leaving was one of the easiest decisions he'd ever made in his life.

He had made up his mind during that one long and seemingly endless night at the hospital: there would be absolutely no goodbyes. He would simply pack his things while Noah was in class, and limp out the door without anyone ever knowing he left. A perfectly clean break, the best option open to him. Quick and painless. Not that anyone in that god-forsaken building would miss him. Sure, there'd be the initial wave of confusion. People he barely knew would pretend that his departure hurt him, just like at Matt's funeral. But after a couple months or so, they wouldn't remember that Mihael Keehl even existed.

His plan was dead set in his mind and there was absolutely no going back. He knew exactly where he was going and how he was getting there. There was just one thing Mello couldn't anticipate: the death of L.

He would not, no, he could not work together with Near. There was just no possible way. And even though they'd acted civilized towards each other recently, all the feelings of rivalry and bitterness could not disappear. They were too deeply rooted. But in the end it did not matter; he was already set to leave the orphanage. Everything he owned in the world was in a small backpack resting at his feet. This only made him more resolved to leave everything he'd ever known behind. a fresh start. That was what he wanted, he convinced himself.

So with all emotion aside, Mello hobbled out of Roger's office and out the main doors of the orphanage and did not look back.

He never saw it coming: a lanky, green-eyed boy trailing behind him.

* * *

"God, I can't believe it. How long has it been?" The two stood on a sidewalk glazed with ice, facing the building. The rooftop, as unchanged as the rest of the place, was coated with pure white snow. Children bundled in heavy winter coats chased each other by the playground, pure delight etched on their faces despite the freezing weather. The taller of the pair buried his numb hands in the pockets of his light jacket. He exhaled heavily, his breath a clearly visible cloud in the wintry air. He peered down at the blonde man beside him through his red hair that hung in his eyes.

"Six years, I think. Maybe seven. It's been awhile," said Mello. He shrugged his wide shoulders and stared at his shoes. This was the first time either of them had seen the place they used to call home in more than half a decade. They both agreed that it would be appropriate to at least see it one more time before the next day, a Thursday. "I can't remember. How old were you when we left?" Mello had to tilt his head up to smile at Noah. He'd grown so much in the past few years; just like Matt had always been, Noah was at least a full head taller than him, even though Mello was eight years his elder.

Mello stared at the playground and the children's joyful laughter and was instantly jealous. He hadn't been that blissfully innocent for a long time.

Noah grinned. "I was eight. So, yeah, it's been almost seven. Wow." He pulled his right hand out of his warm pocket to scratch his head. "Now that I think about it, my life would be a lot less complicated if you hadn't have taken me with you that day." He grinned.

"If I remember correctly, you had to beg me to come with." The corners of his mouth turned up in a little smile at the memory, despite his best efforts.

"You were going to leave me behind. I'm still not over that yet, you know." He stuck his tongue out at Mello.

Mello rolled his eyes. "I think I've had enough nostalgia for one day."

"What do we do now? We can't go in. No one can know that we're still here."

He was right. The police were baffled when they went to Wammy's the day after Mello was released to take him to the juvenile detention center. His sentence wasn't nearly as bad as it should have been, because of the rich lady's weakness for sad stories and Near's testimony. Six months and community service wasn't bad at all, but Mello would have left even if it was only a day. He wouldn't be able to stand being tied down.

"I guess we leave. I don't have any business here." He turned to walk towards their car. Noah followed close behind, as always. Climbing in the passenger's seat, Mello warmed his frozen fingers in front of the heater.

Tomorrow could be their last day together. Even though it was very carefully planned out (they'd spent weeks pouring over little details and endless scenarios) nothing about this was certain. Many things could go so wrong. It was flawless and completely reckless at the same time. But it needed to be done.

Mello was still, after all this time, living in Near's shadow. And this was the only way to get ahead. He needed to beat him to the punch this time. And it was going to happen tomorrow.

This was his battle, not Noah's. Noah just happened to be his sidekick, just like Matt had been seven years ago. Noah just happened to be the one person Mello couldn't go without.

The resemblance was much more pronounced than it had been before. In fact, they could have been brothers. But it didn't matter anymore. Mello had let go of Matt all those years ago when he had decided to leave the boxes containing Matt's belongings in his room behind. He had said his goodbye.

Besides, now he had someone else to push around.


End file.
